by Aidan Chivers
Political discussion amongst Oxford undergraduates can be confusing at times, so Aidan Chivers has created a short dictionary to help guide you safely past any possible pitfalls.
ANTISEMITISM IN THE LABOUR PARTY – Three main options: (a) blame the media; (b) make an unrelated point about Boris and burkas; (c) repeat ‘But Jezza is a man of peace’ often enough until you believe it.
BREXIT VOTERS – They regret the loss of the British Empire. All drink either English bitter in country pubs or cans of Carling on the train.
FARAGE, Nigel – German wife; EU pension; frog-like double chin.
FARRON, Tim – A Christian, so not a liberal.
FREE SPEECH – Extol its virtues, especially when surrounded by like-minded people.
GUARDIAN – A beacon of decency in a world plagued by Brexit, Trump, and people who don’t like Owen Jones. Share its articles on Facebook to demonstrate your liberal credentials.
JOHNSON, Boris – Small red horns can occasionally be seen poking out of that blond mop of hair.
MAY, Theresa – Wheat; dancing; curtsies; Brexit means Brexit.
MODERATE LABOUR MPs – [Probably no need for this entry for much longer – Ed.]
MOMENTUM – What happens when an unstoppable force of self-righteous anti-Western sentiment meets the hitherto unmovable object of a century of respectable Labour politics? Jezza becomes the Labour leader.
NO DEAL BREXIT – Would lead almost immediately to a Hobbesian return to a state of nature.
O’BRIEN, James – Howl with glee when he ridicules Brexit-voting callers on LBC.
REES-MOGG, Jacob – Bespectacled abortion-hater with a child called Sixtus.
TORIES – Evil, except for Anna Soubry and possibly Dominic Grieve.
WILDERS, Geert; Le PEN, Marine; ORBÁN, Viktor; ÅKESSON, Jimmie; KURZ, Sebastian; SALVINI, Matteo – If any of their names comes up in conversation, make the sign of the cross and throw a pinch of salt over your shoulder.