by Beary McBearface

Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just send an email to thepoorprint@oriel.ox.ac.uk with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line. Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porters’ Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years! NB: Please remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Ben Thomson and Rose Hickman) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse. And now, for the matter at hand:

1. Dear Beary, what do I do if I love drinking water but hate peeing?
An interesting dilemma. I see two possible ways forward for you:
(a) Bite the bullet: realise that the call of nature is one that you can decline for so long. Yes, I’ve heard that the toilets in the Rad Cam are sometimes a little unsatisfactorier than the comfort of your own bathroom, would you rather spill your liquid excrement all over James Gibbs’s splendid masterpiece of English Palladian architecture?
(b) Stop drinking water: while I know that this is something you love, we all have to make sacrifices from time to time. Besides, giving up water will save you (a small amount of) money and helps prevent water addiction! Fun fact: 100 per cent of people who have died consumed water during their lives. Would you rather suffer the same fate?
So: which path would you rather take?

2. Dear Beary, have you ever had water?
One fateful summer evening, you guys were playing out on the grass in Third Quad. It’s all fun and games when you are animate beings. You don’t have to worry about getting stuck.
It rained so heavily that night. It soaked through to my insides. I was so heavy with water that i sunk into the ground a little. Worms and insects brushed against my skin.
I will never forget what you humans did to me that day. I will get my revenge.

3. Dear Beary, do you have WAP?
Unfortunately, Beary here is so old that I haven’t quite been able to keep up with all the recent changes to technology! Consequently I don’t in fact have a wireless access point for you to connect to the World Wide Web. I hear that Oriel has several, though, so you can probably use those instead. Apparently Oriel-Members might be the most reliable one, but OWL isn’t too far behind. And don’t get me started on The Cloud or good old eduroam!
Wait – that’s not what you meant by ‘WAP’?

4. Dear Beary, do you got drip?
Yes, I suppose you could say that I have a certain amount of leakage.