by Beary McBearface

Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To send me a question, just go to thepoorprint.com/submit and fill out the form there.

Of course, if you’d prefer to remain completely anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porters’ Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years!

NB: Please remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Sam Goldbloom and Alice Randall) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Jonathon Clark), or get in touch with the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Caitlin Ashcroft), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.

And now, for the matter at hand:

1. Dear Beary, what’s your opinion on people who don’t submit questions to you?

I despise them. Nasty little rascals, the lot of them. How dare they ignore the exclusive access they have to the unlimited fountain of knowledge and wit that is me, Beary McBearface. Absolutely shocking, really. I have gone to the deans numerous times to complain, equipped with a detailed proposal of how to combat this which includes a forty hour intensive punishment plan, but time and time again it has been rejected. Apparently they say that this would not be very ‘welfare-friendly’. To which I counter: surely my welfare is most important? And let me tell you, it is being negatively affected by the presence in college of all those ungrateful students who do not come to me for my valuable wisdom. I am incredibly displeased.

2. Dear Beary, what’s your most controversial opinion?

I have often been told that it is the fact that I believe myself to be the centre of the universe, however I am sure that this is not correct. How could something so obvious ever be considered controversial? My position in Oriel is of utmost importance and my presence amongst the community is like that of a deity amongst commoners. It is natural that I should expect to be worshipped and revered accordingly.

3. Dear Beary, what can I do if I miss hall breakfast?

Ahh, the tragedy of no hall breakfast. It really is upsetting, although it is a sacrifice I must make for the greater good. However, with the opening of the new kitchens (three cheers to Her Highness Sam Hardaker, JCR President Supreme) in Island Site, you all have convenient access to an oven and a microwave in which to cook some hashbrowns, sausages and beans– the perfect cooked breakfast in my opinion. I am immortal, and therefore do not need any sustenance, however I can still enjoy a good hearty breakfast to start my day off. Just purchase the ingredients (Sainsbury’s does good deals and is most conveniently located for an early morning shop) and join me in spirit in continuing the traditional hall breakfast while the kitchen transitions to Second Quad.

4. Dear Beary, what are your thoughts on Welfare Week?

It was excellently run, I must say. The amount of JCR events involving free food was astonishing, and I’m sure it made our undergraduates feel very happy and ‘welfared’ in my presence. Here’s to more free pizza!