by Vittorio P. Cuneo-Flood

If I had a hundred mouths and a
hundred tongues, I would not even be able to begin to speak of the evils of take-away coffee. Shall I first say how this habit enslaves man, or how a man is a liar if he practises it? Ah, in the same way that a helmsman facing the possibility of shipwreck, being overwhelmed with the amount needing to be done, turning over this and that in his mind, sometimes does nothing; so too, am I so overwhelmed with the evil which this practice presents, that I feel incapable of making any effort, even though duty compels me. But evil must not triumph over good, so, in all humility, I must try.

A worldly priest is a liar. He lies to men about God, for though he is meant to be His representative, he serves in the embassy of the prince of darkness; he lies to God, for though wearing His black uniform, he is, in fact, fighting for the prince of the world. It is not so different from the mobile slurper. He lies to men by pretending he is busy; he lies to himself by pretending he has no time. On the one hand, the world sees the panicked look at the menu, (for though this creature, (can I even use the word ‘man’?), partakes in this vice every day, being like a ship tossed to and fro by the waves, he cannot remain on a steady course), she sees the strained request to the waiter, the swift card swipe, the apologetic barge, the door slam, the long strides, the hurried gait; on the other hand, does the world see the late nodding off, the retarded rise, the snooze of the alarm, the lethargic dressing, the unorganised time management, the idle gossip? One would think that men nowadays have the duties of kings, such is their bustle; yet in truth they are more like powerless tyrants.

Oh, how pressed he is by his duties; the essay, the reading, the problem sheet, the promises to friends, the promises to call home, the sport’s commitment; of course, he must charge on, drink in hand, to face those obligations which fate has given him, it’s obvious. Pray tell, quo vadis? What has caused you to be in such a panic? What has caused you to flitter this way and that? Why the need to gulp such a pleasant drink in such a hurry? I will tell you. You are too caught up in the daily bustle. You are too focused on the next thing; when will you look at the present thing? If you do not enjoy today, you cannot enjoy tomorrow.

Have I given the impression that I would censure coffee? By no means! I can only recommend it, but in moderation. Do I seem to be puritanical? By no means! Take pleasure, but don’t let her take you. Do not imitate the serial slurpers of slop. You may think coffee is serving you, but you are serving her. To always seek pleasure is to become her slave.

Naturally, a good conversation, a turn of wit, a lively pun gives a certain spice, or condiment to life – enjoy these; so too does a morning coffee. You are cold, she is warm; yet she does not only warm the body, but also the soul. True, she staves off the tiredness of the mind, but she also banishes the torpor in the spirit. If I had a thousand mouths and a thousand tongues, I could not begin to enumerate the virtues of this drink, when drunk well, that is. But since I have not the time, I can only give you the custom of Italians as an example of her proper usage.

‘Surely it is not contrary to reason to have a quick coffee with an upcoming deadline?’ It is lawful, but not expedient. Do you reckon the value of your soul to be of such a low price? Why do you put yourself down? Take courage. Join battle. Roll up your sleeves. You are stronger than you think. I understand, it may seem impossible to keep working, but will it ever become possible if you resort to the slop? Can the boy learn to ride a bike if the training wheels are not removed? Why throw down your weapons before you have even tested their sharpness? It is better to fall in battle than to flee.
Do not mind the harshness of my words, dear Lucilius, they are the words of a ransomed captive. I speak from bitter experience. Remember, that philosophy is not just theoretical, but also practical. Do not pay attention to those sophists in the university who, though they have the appearance of being wise, teach you the art of mental gymnastics, not how to live. VALE.