Operation Recovery

by John Webb

I have to say that this is an abridged article as I have sold the full story to the Oxford Mail (World Edition) which will appear shortly under the banner headline ‘I Beat Hernia’. It is based loosely on a two thousand year-old tale about medical matters by that renowned Roman scholar and social commentator Bennyus Hillum (google  –  Benny Hill).

After five hours I was wheeled in to see the anaesthetist and was immediately rendered unconscious. Whilst in this state I began to have experiences somewhat similar to those of Major Tom (see David Bowie). I was floating effortlessly in a state of unbridled euphoria towards the Gates of Heaven. However, unlike said Major, I was then subjected to an attempted in-the-nick-of-time rescue by Luke Skywalker.

My immediate thought was this: why does he always do last-minute rescues? Why does he not get organised and set off earlier? Anyway – I avoided the rescue and proceeded through the Gates. At this point I regained consciousness and discovered that Heaven was, in fact, Bed 7, Daycare Unit, The Horton Hospital, Banbury, Oxfordshire. Well, it seemed pretty much like Heaven to me.

I must admit that, as I was being prepared for my return, I found some instructions rather confusing. When I asked how long it would be before I could drive again, I was told to do so only if I could do an emergency stop. As I have been driving for 54 years (not continuously) I know that these stops are notoriously difficult to perform unless you are actually driving! The reply to my seeking an answer as to how far I should walk to regain fitness was to go as far as I thought I was able. If I am doing a there-and-back walk how the hell will I know at what point I should turn round?

There were various booklets to read regarding recovery and what and what not to do. I was mightily cheered by the news that I could resume sexual activity when it was “comfortable”. On mentioning this to my wife I received a distinctly uncomfortable “no bl**dy chance, you old b*st*rd” look from her.

Anyway, all seems to be progressing well apart from my nether regions looking rather black. Unfortunately there has been no discernible increase in dimensions! I would like to say to my colleagues that I’m sorry not to be at work, but I can’t bring myself to!


The Poor Print

Established in 2013, The Poor Print is the student-run newspaper of Oriel College, Oxford, written by members of the JCR, MCR, SCR and staff. New issues are published fortnightly during term. Our current Executive Editors are Siddiq Islam and Jerric Chong.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s