by John Webb

I have to say that this is an abridged article as I have sold the full story to the Oxford Mail (World Edition) which will appear shortly under the banner headline ‘I Beat Hernia’. It is based loosely on a two thousand year-old tale about medical matters by that renowned Roman scholar and social commentator Bennyus Hillum (google  –  Benny Hill).

After five hours I was wheeled in to see the anaesthetist and was immediately rendered unconscious. Whilst in this state I began to have experiences somewhat similar to those of Major Tom (see David Bowie). I was floating effortlessly in a state of unbridled euphoria towards the Gates of Heaven. However, unlike said Major, I was then subjected to an attempted in-the-nick-of-time rescue by Luke Skywalker.

My immediate thought was this: why does he always do last-minute rescues? Why does he not get organised and set off earlier? Anyway – I avoided the rescue and proceeded through the Gates. At this point I regained consciousness and discovered that Heaven was, in fact, Bed 7, Daycare Unit, The Horton Hospital, Banbury, Oxfordshire. Well, it seemed pretty much like Heaven to me.

I must admit that, as I was being prepared for my return, I found some instructions rather confusing. When I asked how long it would be before I could drive again, I was told to do so only if I could do an emergency stop. As I have been driving for 54 years (not continuously) I know that these stops are notoriously difficult to perform unless you are actually driving! The reply to my seeking an answer as to how far I should walk to regain fitness was to go as far as I thought I was able. If I am doing a there-and-back walk how the hell will I know at what point I should turn round?

There were various booklets to read regarding recovery and what and what not to do. I was mightily cheered by the news that I could resume sexual activity when it was “comfortable”. On mentioning this to my wife I received a distinctly uncomfortable “no bl**dy chance, you old b*st*rd” look from her.

Anyway, all seems to be progressing well apart from my nether regions looking rather black. Unfortunately there has been no discernible increase in dimensions! I would like to say to my colleagues that I’m sorry not to be at work, but I can’t bring myself to!