Eoin Monaghan [at 4am, on my entering the JCR] – ‘Go back to bed, Alex. The apocalypse has already happened.’

Wesley Rawlings – ‘This is far more than something new. Syphilis would be new for me – doesn’t mean that I want it. The American people have given the White House “the clap”.’

Will Cook – ‘I’m sure that JCR business is the last thing on anyone’s mind, and to fill everyone’s inbox with news about elections on a morning like this seems like some kind of sick joke. But the show must go on…’

Edward Carroll – ‘Well at least Brexit doesn’t seem so bad now…’

Anna Wawrzonkowska – ‘Friendly reminder that even if there are walls, there are gates in them and there’s also a chance to walk at the top.’

Wesley Rawlings – ‘It’s like putting a six-year-old in the captain’s seat of a Boeing 747. You have to pray that the cabin crew just let him sit there and press the button that turns the seatbelt light on and off.’

Jeremy Chiu – ‘Congratulations America, you just played yourself. Have fun living with the racist tangerine for the next 4 years.’

Edwin Oliver-Watts – ‘So the streak of political events being predicted by The Simpsons continues…’

Ebony Moody – ‘How? I mean… How?’

Ben Albert Pace – ‘When the darkness comes, if you rise to face it, then you are doing much better than if you let it defeat you without a fight.

Remember that the right thing to do with the worry and the fear, is to turn it into steely resolve for action’.

Will McDonald – ‘Still can’t believe it really. Like I knew they were stupid…’

Max Clements – ‘Lincoln didn’t die for this ffs #Election2016’

Matthew Hull – ‘What are you cooking?’

‘Baked beans, baked potato and red pepper – nothing fancy…’

‘Eh, those are all things I’m planning on stockpiling in my nuclear bunker…’

Emily Essex: [at Compline – late-night chapel service] – ‘I briefly considered using the Collect for War and Tumult, but I realised it was a bit too much about smiting down your enemies…’

Ariana Busby – ‘FEMALE LEADERSHIP IS NOT DEAD. Come to this show I co-directed with fellow Nasty Woman Saskia Tavares De Wand and make this week a little more bearable! Also bear-able because it stars Beary McBearphace! But also good old-fashioned “bearable” because this week has been the worst, right?! Except for this!’

Beary McBearphace – [blank staring at the TV screen]