It is clear what the theme of this issue is trying to push with its electric blue lettering and call for, and here I quote, ‘electrifying submissions’, so, with my hand forced, I gleefully put pen to paper. It is with a jolt of inspiration that my mind turns to sources of power, then wanders slightly, still considering sources of power, to a different source of power, some say the supreme source of power: The Illuminati.

“But what is power?”, I hear you ask as I ignore you because I don’t care.

Power, as electrical charge, according to most people, comes out of plug sockets. In the UK, plug sockets are triangles. So is the famous symbol of the Illuminati. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED.

JMH has three letters. So does CSI. Together they have six. Half of six is three. The Illuminati’s triangle has three sides. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED.

CSI JMH coming soon. (wathc this space)

Milk comes from cows. Cows have four legs. Legs has four letters. Feeling suspicious yet? The four letters in ‘legs’ could be swapped for a completely different set of letters, say ‘Illu’. ‘Illu’ is the first four letters of Illuminati. ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED.

Charge has six letters. The average number of letters per word in the commonly used phrase ‘Oriel College’ is six. Conincidence?

Illuminati has ten letters. So does ‘Poor Print’. See where we’re going with this?

With all of these irrefutable proofs that the theme points to the Illuminati being in College, working though its power structure. This naturally brings to mind the question, “Who is the Illuminati?” Is it the Deans? The Provost? Marjory?

Perhaps it is these people. Perhaps not. Who knows? If you look closely at the article you may will notice that the first letter of each paragraph spells out the name of the Illuminati member among us. The answer will shock you…

– Susan ‘Ibpjcmciwp’ Gracely