by Beary McBearface
Beary McBearface, treasured Oriel mascot and JCR staple, is here to help you with your troubles. In this column, Beary will attempt to find solutions to your little college worries; trust him, he’s seen it all. All you need to do is email firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line ‘Dear Beary’, and if you’re lucky your problem will be solved in our next issue.
Of course, if you’d like to remain anonymous – and Beary encourages naming no names, we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your Beary concern to Chloe Whitehead’s pidge. And please do, Beary needs a hobby in his twilight years.
[If you’re really struggling, or if your problem contains sensitive information, be aware that Beary has received no formal Welfare training; please message Joel and Simone Fraser, our beloved Welfare Officers, for more information, or get in touch with the Welfare Deans or the College Nurse.]
1) Dear Beary, I’m worried I’m too obsessed with Game of Thrones. Every time the sun sets I joke that the ‘Long Night’ is coming, and I’m already behind on term work because I’m learning Dothraki. My whole week is spent waiting for the next episode – how should I prepare myself for the season ending?
If it makes you feel better, the whole world is pretty much as obsessed as you are. Maybe try and walk outside a bit and be grateful there’s no incoming zombie apocalypse. And once it ends, just hang on in there for Love Island to ruin your exam revision.
2) Dear Beary, why are there old guys in flowery hats and sleigh bell trousers outside my window at 6am?
It’s the pagans, they’re unstoppable. They rock up every year to keep up the pretense that summer is on its way despite unremarkable temperatures and endless clouds. If you can’t sleep through the bagpipes then just be grateful you weren’t forced to sing at the top of a church tower at the crack of dawn as a child.
3) Dear Beary, ball season is well and truly upon us but I wondered: what’s the best way to make the most of the time you’re there and not absolutely ruin the next day?
Get binned earlier rather than later, and before doing that run to the front of food kiosks. Especially if there’s a mac’n’cheese stand. It’s best to know when the best musical acts are on so you can shove your way to the front, and if you need to sober up drink plenty of water or just spend hours in the silent disco sweating it out. Also, make sure you have a rest, and if you’re wearing heels take a spare pair of flats; there’s nothing like a Sigma mosh pit to destroy your feet. And just remember that any balls you’re off to this year are just the warm-up for Oriel 2020.