by Beary McBearface

Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just email thepoorprint@oriel.ox.ac.uk with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.

Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porter’s Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years! Please do remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Rose Hickman and Tom Szwarcer) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.

And now, for the matter at hand:

1. Dear Beary, I keep having to choose between going to socials or staying in with a more-than-friend. What should I do?

While it’s certainly nice to have a night in with someone you love, Oxford terms are only so long, and you shouldn’t lose this opportunity to meet and mingle with such great people.

I’d say that you should see them every now and then, but don’t continue to prioritise them over your other friends.

I had a girlfriend once … never again.

2. Dear Beary, is the one piece real?

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THE ONE PIECE IS REAL!!! (Can we get much higher so high) (MEME)
#Luffy #Meme #onepiece #whitebeard
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3. Dear Beary, what exactly did the Vice-Chancellor say to me at the matriculation ceremony yesterday?

Ah, Latin. Extinct almost everywhere – but not in Oxford, where the language very much remains a feature of grand University ceremonies, a centuries-old tradition continuing into the modern age. Those words you heard in the Sheldonian were:

Scitote vos in Matriculam Universitatis hodie relatos esse, et ad observandum omnia Statuta istius Universitatis, quantum ad vos spectent, teneri.

‘Know that you are today added to the Roll of the University and bound to obey all the statutes of this University so far as they apply to you.’ Now if you think that was a lot, just wait until you graduate …

4. Dear Beary, you are the conductor of a trolley that is hurtling down a track towards five people strapped to the track. If it reaches them, it will cut off one of their arms each and the leg on the opposite side of their bodies. On the track next to you is another trolley, conductor-less, that is also hurtling towards five people, and this trolley will cut off one of their arms each and the leg on the same side of their bodies. You can either stop the trolley you are conducting or you can jump into the adjacent car and stop it. What do you do?

Are you asking me if I’d rather be stripped of the limbs on one side of my body or alternating limbs from different sides of my body? I think, for the sake of balance and symmetry, I’d rather have one from each side, in this horrible, horrible, evil hypothetical.

For goodness’ sake may no one lose their limbs in this terrible manner. Maybe go outside and touch some grass instead of coming up with such maniacal schemes?