by Beary McBearface
Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just email firstname.lastname@example.org with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.
Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porter’s Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years! Please do remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Rose Hickman and Tom Szwarcer) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.
And now, for the matter at hand:
1. Dear Beary, my friends are spending the entire time exploring new drugs to try, but I’d rather just leave and do some topology. What should I do?
A true mathematician’s dilemma.
Remember to put your values before the values of your friends. Sometimes your friends will want to do things that don’t fit in with your ideals, especially when it comes to things like drugs and alcohol.
If you find yourself persistently in this position, or if your friends are all too often disrespectful of your dispositions, then are they really your friends? Sometimes other things are more important than clinging to toxic people …
2. Dear Beary, I’m not sure whether my milk has gone off. Should I throw it away, or should I down it now before it’s too late?
We all have those moments: it’s yellowing, slightly congealed and emitting a strong milky aroma which pervades the entire refrigerator.
My motto: if it’s yummy, it belongs in the tummy! I always tend to find milk the tastiest when it’s sliiiightly past the due date anyway *wink*.
3. Dear Beary, you are a time traveller, and at some point in the past, a runaway trolley is heading to kill five people. If you pull the lever next to you, the trolley will steer away from them and run over one person instead, but this person is your grandmother, who hasn’t given birth to your mother yet. What happens if you pull the lever?
I’ll be real with you guys. It’s almost 3 a.m., I have an essay due in twelve hours that I haven’t started reading for yet (I study Beary-McBearyology), and I am, quite frankly, SICk and tiRED of your trolley problems.
Third issue in a row? I can’t keep doing this. I’m too tired and sleep-deprived to answer the philosophical mysteries of a trolley problem crossed with a grandmother problem to any satisfactory degree.
I know this is unprofessional of me, but Beary calls it quits on this one … If any one of you so much as DARES to send a trolley problem next week, I will permanently decease.
I have a couple more lines of this column to fill so I will end on a happier note: have a nice week 🙂