by Beary McBearface
Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just email email@example.com with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.
Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porter’s Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years!
Please do remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Rose Hickman and Tom Szwarcer) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.
And now, for the matter at hand:
1. Dear Beary, would you date me?
My standards are much too high for that, I’m afraid. Although how you’ll survive this heartbreaking rejection, I don’t know. Console yourself with someone more on your level.
2. Dear Beary, what is the meaning of life?
It’s a Sunday. I am not answering this question on a Sunday. Or on any other day either, for that matter. You are all going to die eventually anyway and languish underground while maggots feast on your body, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Just try to live your life in a way that makes you happy so you don’t waste the little time you have on earth, before you’re trapped IN it for the rest of eternity.
3. Dear Beary, how do I become immortal?
Unfortunately for you, the only one of us who will be immortal is me. I was born with the gift of an everlasting life, both in the form of an inorganic body and undecaying soul and through my captivating personality, which will live on in the memories of the Orielenses until the end of time, or at least humanity. That is perhaps the only way in which anyone can live forever: in the minds of others. But you are a poor mortal soul, and can only aspire to be like me– even though we all know it is a futile aspiration to have.
4. Dear Beary, are you taking part in hot girl Hilary?
Everyday is hot girl Hilary for someone as good-looking as me. Case closed.
If you’re having a tough time, please remember there are people you can talk to! 🙂