by Beary McBearface
My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just send an email to email@example.com with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.
Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porter’s Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years!
NB: Please remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officer (Rose Hickman) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.
And now, for the matter at hand:
1. Dear Beary, what’s the most forbidden thing to do in college?
Oh, this is tough… I am inclined to say disturb the grass in Third Quad, because even though the lawns in First and Second Quad are completely forbidden, it somehow feels even worse to bother grass that has actual working hours. A total infringement of labourer’s rights, even if the grass is only employed part-time during Trinity..
2. Dear Beary, what will I get in my degree?
For once, I will strive to be supportive: in all likelihood, you will pass. And then, even if your personal standards tell you otherwise, it is a FACT that you have come in looking to get a degree, and then three or four or however many years later left Oxford with a degree. So, you have evidently been successful if you look at the bare bones of the matter. I understand that it is stressful and it can be terrifying to think you might not get your desired mark – and disappointing in the event that it happens – but ultimately, your degree will not be the sole dictator that runs your life, so you will always have the chance to add other influences in. All this to say, don’t worry. Everything will work out in a way that you will be able to deal with.
3. Dear Beary, how can I make new friends halfway through the year?
That’s a tricky one. You could always awkwardly linger in the few college kitchens, but you may get some angry stares considering they’re just about big enough to house a maximum of two stressed students making pesto pasta at once. Otherwise, there are simply so many events going on, why not challenge yourself and actually attend a couple, whether that be a wine and drawing night at one of the rival newspapers (whose names we do not repeat), or, of course, some sort of athletic endeavour which I’m sure could lead to some interesting interactions (although don’t ask me much about sports, does it seem like I enjoy cardio let alone move at all?). Other than that, you could always try going to lectures, I hear some students from other colleges do, in fact, attend, so you never know, maybe the next Chandler to your Joey will plop themselves down next to you in Philosophy 101.
4. Dear Beary, why is the sky blue?
See, most people would say Rayleigh scattering, but they have not experienced the depths of knowledge that I, Beary McBearface, have been made party to. I believe the true reason for the sky’s terribly unnatural colour – because you must admit, blue is not a very common colour in nature, and in places like Australia it even indicates that the object is poisonous… but could that suggest the sky is poisonous, and slowly killing us? No no, I’m getting distracted, that’s a question for another day– anyway, the real reason the sky is blue is asdfghjklñlkjhgfdcvbnjhgfdsa.
If you can decipher that, knowledge in its most sublime form will be yours.
5. Dear Beary, … ?
Dear Beary this, dear Beary that … what is this nonsense? This isn’t even a question! I am always happy to answer ACTUAL questions from lovely oriel members but you, my undear individual, have submitted a question that I am most unhappy with– if it can even be called that.