Hello there! My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just send an email to thepoorprint@oriel.ox.ac.uk with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.

Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porters’ Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years!

NB: Please remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officers (Ben Thomson) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.

And now, for the matter at hand:

1. Dear Beary, what is paradise?

Paradise is my life. I am fortunate enough to enjoy a most blissful existence – although it is in fact no less than I deserve. But unfortunately for you, my instinct of self-preservation prevents me from sharing much more: if you knew the details, I’d be forced to live in constant fear that you would come to try and fight me for my role as the most divine entity in the Doll’s House.

2. Dear Beary, what is Obama’s last name?

WHAT are you even doing here.

2. Dear Beary, how can I make money as a student?

Well, the obvious answer is OnlyFans, but that’s a bit basic. Try stealing some …

Not that I endorse any of these measures – I am too privileged as the JCR mascot and divine entity of Oriel to have to worry about making money on the side. After all, if funds are a bit short one month, I can always dip my paw into my Saudi oil assets, or perhaps more conveniently the JCR budget.