by Beary McBearface

Hello there!

My name’s Beary, one of the giant teddy bears who hang out in the JCR – I’m the brown one; my purple counterpart is John Henry. As The Poor Print’s self-anointed agony aunt, I’m here to help you with any troubles you’re facing. Please send me your college (or general) worries, and I’ll help you find a solution. To submit a question, just send an email to thepoorprint@oriel.ox.ac.uk with ‘Dear Beary’ in the subject line.

Of course, if you’d prefer to remain anonymous – and I encourage naming no names; we don’t want any beef here – just drop a note with your concern for me in one of the editors’ pidges in the Porter’s Lodge (names are available below). And please do: I need a nice hobby in my twilight years!

NB: Please remember that old Beary here has had no formal welfare training, so if you have a more serious issue to raise, please reach out to our beloved JCR Welfare Officer (Rose Hickman) and MCR Welfare Secretary (Gabe Calvo), or get in touch with the Peer Supporters, the Welfare Deans (Marta Bielinska and Dan Brennan), the Chaplain (Rob Wainwright), or the College Nurse.

And now, for the matter at hand:

1. Dear Beary, how can I save money in the cost-of-living crisis?

In this economy? Forget about it. Cook for yourself and save some hall pennies, but then again trips to Aldi aren’t worth it if you have Narnia as your kitchen and the prices in Tesco are going UP. Just this year, they increased my favourite cookies by 10p, then 25p … shocking. At least now they have it back down to a 15p increase with a Clubcard. Oh, yes. Get a Clubcard. Invest in ski clothes to wear under your normal ones when the economy goes bust and the heating is turned off forever.

[Editor’s note: Beary has not been sponsored by Tesco.]

2. Dear Beary, do you ever get impostor syndrome?

What would even make you think of such a thing? Of course not. I know that I am the best, and I say this not out of self-love or self-confidence but simply because it’s the pure, unquestionable truth. You can’t fake it ’til you make it if you know you’ve already made it – and I have, because no one will ever compare to me.

3. Dear Beary, what should I do when I can’t get to sleep?

Suffer. What can I say? Insomnia has no real cure. Some would suggest investing in a sleeping mask, but I’m personally opposed to anything that covers my beautiful eyes. Not that I sleep, anyway. But, really, cheer up – you can’t have it worse than the rowers, who don’t get any sleep at all at this time of year. Just be grateful that you’re not addicted to OxRow and move on.

4. Dear Beary, which is your favourite library?

Since the JCR is my permanent abode, I cannot say I have had the pleasure of visiting any of Oxford’s libraries in person. However, I hear that the Bod is particularly terrible if you’re looking for somewhere to have a good cry over your essay crisis, because they don’t have easy access to paper towels in the toilets. My favourite hypothetical library would be Duke Beary’s Library, with a life-sized portrait of me hanging on the northern wall and windows on the other end to let the sun bedazzle my likeness with her golden rays. Totally not self-centred at all.

5. Dear Beary, why am I so jealous of you?

Because I’m a diva. You simply can’t help it, and it’s completely understandable. Just do the best you can to learn to live with those feelings, because I am inimitable and will remain unequalled until the day that Oriel is torn to the ground – or maybe even beyond then. Who’s to say? I’m a powerful being.